April 13, 2009 – 10:42 pm
A lone hawk circles above the freeway
I wonder which lone sole will be the lucky one
To be snatched from the pavement
Flown up into the sky
And lastly made a meal of
I look different than I did yesterday
Same color eyes peering back at me from the mirror
Same soft hair framing my face
You reminded me that I could still feel
I didn’t want to
You had me on a hook
Splayed all ways
Until a steaming pile of guts oozed out onto the floor
Waves of angst and desire
Things I had fought back for so long
I don’t know whether to hate you or thank you
But you’ve made me beautiful
You’ve made me shine
Now I’ve got the body of a pornstar
To go with the mouth that I already have
Look at me with lust
I want you to
Treat me with anger
Treat me with disgust
Let me lead you to a dark place
Drop your pants and let go
No games, no decisions
Just let me do my work
No regrets for me
No regrets until tomorrow for you
You thought I was being used
You went with the morning trash.
I slipped on your flannel that I borrowed from you many yesterdays ago, and still felt comfort.
I remembered to when I thought of the day when one of us will die, and how much I would loathe the day when one of us will wake up without the other.
Now I wake up without you every day, and still take air into my lungs and let the sunlight flood my eyes.
I wanted to have everyday filled with love and kindness, with your love and your kindness.
I felt that my life had a point, that our love would help get me there.
No matter how trivial is seemed, I wanted to be there, and be there with you.
The love is still there, but we share it no more.
Nothing can change, no matter how we both felt.
Loving from afar without hope.
Loving the whole heart.
Dredging my soul for treasure
Corpses are brought to air
Illusions of lovers lost that were never had
Resentment as stench clouding the air
This ship can only go so far
And it is treasure I seek
This ship is only so large
And cannot hold much more
Just one jewel I would like to have
A single reward for my work
As the ship slowly drops lower into the sea
These un-realities will make me sink
Putrid water filters into my lungs
I don’t fight what I have made
I’ll pretend to be the treasure that I sought to bring up
Someone else’s find for another day
February 9, 2009 – 6:45 am
Being able to move a bit more now as the pain is subsiding, I’m fascinated and disturbed by how I feel. My shoulder feels so strange. My brain knows there are stitches holding my arm into my socket, and well, that is exactly how it feels. I’m not really allowed to move it that much, even though I do move it, because it could tear. Once I almost thought I did tear it when accidentally turning the arm the right way.
I have some nifty scars going on however.
Three on the front, one on the rear.
February 2, 2009 – 8:11 pm
My eight stitches in my four small incisions were taken out today! I talked to my doctor about the surgery I had on my left shoulder on January 19th:
- Tear in my anterior labrum was repaired. He also did some “tightening” where he stitched together some connective tissue in the front of my shoulder to hold it better in place, at lease for a while.
- Hill-Sachs Lesion- compression damage to the head of the humerus from the dislocation.
- There was a piece of cartilage that was broken off in my shoulder that he removed
- Bursitis lesions. Probably due to “impingement syndrome” with how my shoulder has been weird for so long, and then exacerbated by this injury. I really am 25, I swear.
- Bone spurs. He cleaned them up while he was in there just to get more smooth surfaces. Yeah. Again. I’m 25, really.
- He couldn’t see the partial tear in the rotator cuff, so it probably would have had to cut into the tendon to find it, causing more damage in the long term. We are hoping with the other repairs he did that this will be able to not get any worse. With the “tightening” I should be able to get my muscles nice and strong, so even if the connective tissue stretches out again, my shoulder should stay in place better.
My dad was with me at the appointment and was all “Bursitis?!? Isn’t she a bit young for that?” My doctor replied “Yes, but with her shoulders and hypermobility… well… she is like that now.” At first, my dad didn’t really get how messed up my shoulder was, but he gets it now.
I’m taking percocet these days and just trying to be comfortable. Hopefully I’ll be able to knock the dose down soon and get my brain back. I’ll start physical therapy soon, and just spend a lot of time at home. Hopefully in a month I’ll be able to do more travelling and visit everyone that I miss so much!
January 31, 2009 – 3:56 am
I’m wondering if I should go through my blog entries and “tag” them, since that is what the popular kids are doing these days. Or should I just use them from here on out?
January 17, 2009 – 7:04 am
Like the Queens of Old I’ll carry myself
Head bowed to no One
Heart serving The Lord
Sovereign garden for the Soul to grow
Velvet over iron; adorned in starlight
Rosebud breasts blooming
Each step consecrates the ground
My path is Divine
January 12, 2009 – 2:45 am
I published a few short entries, mostly because I was tired of seeing them as drafts. Some are past dated also- they aren’t THAT great. However, I think that some of these one liners are decently powerful, as I have not been able to delete them. Some of the longer entries are not great, but again, I didn’t want to delete them. Perhaps both will spawn some ideas in the future for me.
